Why Do I Have Schoolboy Crushes on Female Musicians Who Are Pale, Skinny, and/or Have Dark Brown Hair and Eyes?

I like music. I mostly like myself (except when I’m hungover). I like females (unless they don’t like beer or fun). Therefore, solely by association, I guess it makes sense that I am quick to fall for female rock starlets who share some of my own physical characteristics. Here are some examples (note: I had a nasty migraine today and my brain is mush as a result, so this is all just a giant excuse to not have to write much):

 

Name: Victoria Bergsman

Musical Projects: Taken by Trees (current), The Concretes (former singer)

Crushed on since: Fall 2004

Physical Traits She Shares with Me: Pale, skinny, dark brown hair, dark eyes, likes karate chops

BONUS INFO!: Bergsman writes really, really, really sad songs that make me like her solely for the fact that she might just need a giant hug and/or a non-abusive relationship, and perhaps I could provide such things…if I wasn’t a volatile, immature, single young male.

 

Name: Julie Budet

Musical Projects: Yelle (current)

Crushed on since: Summer 2008

Physical Traits She Shares with Me: Pale, skinny, dark brown hair, dark eyes, sponsored by Reebok

BONUS INFO!: Yelle is French, which turns her “up to 11″ for me, and she crafts insanely catchy electropop dance songs that I like to listen to on repeat while drinking, when my attention span is even shorter than normal.

 

Name: Justine Frischmann

Musical Projects: Elastica (former singer/guitarist), Suede (former guitarist)

Crushed on since: Spring 2008

Physical Traits She Shares with Me: Skinny, dark brown hair, dark eyes, pulls hair to cope with stress and/or migraines

BONUS INFO!: Frischmann wins points simply by being a key part of the mid-90′s Britpop movement with the highly underrated (at least in the US) Elastica. She also dated Damon Albarn of Blur. Unfortunately, I think she’s old now, so I guess I just have a crush on the past existence of someone I’ve never met. Makes me feel shallow/lonely/awesome/cold/confused/happy.

 

Name: Alice Glass

Musical Projects: Crystal Castles (current singer)

Crushed on since: Spring 2008

Physical Traits She Shares with Me: Pale, skinny, dark brown hair, dark eyes, enjoys black jackets, doesn’t get much sleep, dances awkwardly

BONUS INFO!: Glass has that batshit crazy appeal that usually leads to nothing but trouble. However, it’s still hilarious to think about, especially because in the end, being associated with her would probably end with bruises, debt, creative new dance moves, and a stint in rehab.

 

Name: Carrie Brownstein

Musical Projects: Sleater-Kinney (former lead guitar/backup singer)

Crushed on since: Summer 2005

Physical Traits She Shares with Me: Pale, skinny, dark brown hair, dark eyes, likes to high kick, and sometimes smiles

BONUS INFO!: Brownstein is an extremely skilled guitar player and soloist, and uses some fucking kickass effects for reverse delay guitar solos, etc., which I’m always a sucker for. Also, when she started to lend more lead vocals on Sleater-Kinney’s 2005 swan song, The Woods (my favorite album of 2005), I started to notice that she might have pulled her stylings from Elastica’s Justine Frischmann, who of course is also on this list. Also, Brownstein is fucking hilarious, has a noteworthy blog, and now has a mini webshow, ThunderAnt, with SNL cast member and former Trenchmouth drummer, Fred Armisen. Here’s a video from them:

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