What Song Would You Play at a Funeral (For Your Favorite Snack Food)?

I received some bad news today. It started when I got hungry in my cube at work today, and I reflected on last winter, when I kept an abundance of various snacks in my desk drawer, including about 10 Clif Bars in there at all times. Because I desired a distraction, I started an (online) conversation with a friend about Clif Bars, and he suggested that I eat as many as I can because they contain peanut oil, and I could possibly get salmonella poisoning and an accompanying $500,000 payout to go with the three days of agony that would result. Most of the peanut products have been recalled, but products with smaller amounts (like Clif Bars) were still on shelves. It seemed like a good idea.

I started thinking even harder about Clif Bars and decided I should try to pick some up on the way home from work to get going on the salmonella idea as fast as possible, and I started to think about my favorite flavors: Banana Nut Bread, Carrot Cake, and Cookies ‘n Cream. I then realized I hadn’t bought a Clif Bar in a few months, and holy shit, maybe there was a new flavor or two.

I went to the Clif Bar website, and instead of discovering a new flavor, I found the opposite: a missing, discontinued flavor. This Clif asshole did it to Lemon Poppyseed two years ago, spared nasty flavors like Apricot and Blueberry Crunch, and this time, he axed COOKIES ‘N CREAM.

This has happened way too often in my lifetime, and the moral of the story, obviously, is that nothing good can last. Here are some other tragedies that deeply affect me to this day:

 

I miss you, Starfruit Gatorade. Your emptiness in this photo resembles my soul after you died.

 

WTF Trader Joe’s? Can’t find these anymore, and don’t make me bring up the disappearance of the Dried Cinnamon Apple Rings. I’m kinda mad at you and don’t think I’ll come by anymore. I’ll buy my Clif Bars elsewhere now (BUT NOT COOKIES ‘N CREAM).

So this post isn’t related to music…..yet. I’ve been lucky for the last six or seven years, and haven’t had to attend a funeral or mourn the death of anyone close to me. The loss of these food items is probably the closest thing that I can think of (my 15 year old parakeet that died during the 2009 Super Bowl doesn’t count because he was an asshole).

I need closure. I’m not religious, so the only thing left to do is to play a song to set them free. This isn’t an easy task, and it makes me think about how I would like to be remembered at my death party (no funeral please, just lots of drinks and a playlist that I will have preselected in my will). I wouldn’t play anything sad, unless it was something ironic like Sarah McLachlan or a Jonas Brothers b-side (do they have sad songs, or even b-sides?). Something that personal is suitable for an entirely different blog post, so I need to concentrate on setting my lost snack foods free.

I think it’s important to think about the past and the beginning of your relationship with a snack/person when it’s time for closure, rather than the end. Also, when picking a funeral song, I think it’s important to accept the fact that the lyrics don’t have to literally apply, or even the overall meaning of the song. Maybe a phrase, a title, or a chorus verse is just enough to flash memories through the mind. I think I have the right song, even though it’s about sex and affairs.

In all honesty, I really just wanted to post this video with a sentence or two, but I got a bit carried away with snack foods because I don’t want to do my dishes. Anyway, “Do You Remember the First Time?” is an underrated song from the underrated Pulp, who are one of my favorites and who I wish everyone could be familiar with. 

RIP Cookies ‘n Cream Clif Bar.

RIP Starfruit Gatorade.

RIP Trader Joe’s Thai Lime & Chili Cashews.

I remember the first time. Miss you.